Eleanor's Letter: The Midlife Cluster-fuck and why we need to take time for ourselves

In which I get locked in a lavatory, swim in an ancient lake and feel the love

Queenagers on retreat at Wasing yesterday enjoying yoga and the ancient lake and lots of love and connection

Dear Queenagers

Hope you are enjoying a relaxing Sunday – it feels pretty springy here in London, frothing cherry blossom, pink magnolias in Kenwood alongside mighty red rhododendrons and a bank of yellow daffodils. Despite the cold wind there was a little warmth in the sun during my morning swim – and the Kingfishers streaked across the pond with a whizz of turquoise which always makes my day!

Yesterday was our first Noon One Day Retreat at Wasing this year (if you fancy joining us we’ve got one in July and one in October and of course there’s our big Noon Purpose and Power one at Broughton May 24-28th, if you’d like to come but it’s too expensive for you do email jackie@inherspace.co.uk as we’re sorting some cheaper sharing rooms).

 It is always a joy to see so many Queenagers gather together. We kicked off with croissants and coffee, calmed ourselves with Lesley’s wonderful Kundalini yoga (that’s her with me in the yellow)  and set off across the ancient Wasing estate to their lake and sauna (in the midst of a protected forest).

There was a slight hiccup. Rather embarrassingly I got locked in the lavatory – luckily I wasn’t there from Monday to Saturday - thanks to the brilliant efforts of Jackie and Trish who cantilevered me out with some nifty work with a pair of long handled screwdrivers. But it wasn’t the most fun; I tried to be mellow as I waited to be rescued but I hate enclosed spaces and confess to trying to kick my way out (unsuccessfully, they do it all the time in Slow Horses but it is harder than it looks!). Once out I could certainly see the funny side and it gave an extra piquancy to the joy of swimming with lots of Noon ladies in the lake – bravo to all of you doing it for the first time. I’m glad some of you have got the bug. I was particularly pleased when a heron swooped over my head (I’ve got a bit of a thing about birds) and loved swimming in the hail, dashing into the sauna to warm up and then returning to the water in the bright sunshine. The weather forecast was terrible but as ever the sun at Wasing shined (I think it must have a micro-climate) and the buzz of conversation and satisfaction as 25 hungry Queenagers devoured their delicious lunch and chatted animatedly with new and old friends was delectable.

The Noon Circle which followed was as fascinating, warm and unpredicatable as ever. We discussed how when something terrible happens to us it feels, as we sit ruminating in the dark, like nothing will ever be good again. But how actually with time and support and the courage to try something different (like coming on a Noon Retreat) new connections are formed and a new life weaved into being. We heard some inspiring stories about how the power of the Noon Queenager tribe had helped so many.  And how often the new life that comes after what felt like a disaster or death, can actually be BETTER than the one we were so sad to have lost. My takeaway from the day was that after the dark and the pinchpoint (a bit like being locked in that dark, claustrophobic lavatory) really can come joy, celebration and renewal. One Queenager talked about life being like waves on the sea: how the seventh wave really is the big one. Sometimes we surf, it, sometimes it knocks us for six: but the important thing is getting back in the sea and waiting for what comes next. Not giving up. Getting back in the water and keeping swimming… (perfect metaphor for me!)

Some of the women confessed to feeling lonely – they are not alone in that. A new report last week found that British midlifers are the loneliest in Europe. I wrote for the Independent last week about this, how easy it is to become dislocated from tribe – whether as a result of divorce, or bereavement, or redundancy or an empty nest. So many women come to Noon because they are seeking new friends, or some precious time for themselves. “I can’t pour from an empty cup” said one woman at the retreat yesterday, who was doing a big job, looking after sick parents and kids. She’d decided to prioritise herself and had experienced the exhilaration of the cold water and loved it. “It’s time I put myself rather than everyone else at the top of my to-do list” said one. Another balefully admitted that everytime “I carve out some me-time I seem to allocate it to other people”. We need to stop doing that. We Queenagers have the right to a bit of relaxation and self-reflection. We deserve it.

I was also delighted to see a Queenager who has been looking for a new job for a year, who has finally got herself a new plum position. That really spoke to another big conversation of last week - the gendered ageism which is pushing so many Queenagers out of the workforce.  Last Thursday, I co-hosted a breakfast at EY with their Managing Partner Alison Kay about the #disappearingwomen – how women are leaving or being made redundant in droves at 50 – I call it the #queenagerbraindrain. In an uber glamorous boardroom high above Tower Bridge we discussed what is happening and what we can do about it. The first thing, of course, is to recognise it is happening. I’ve been highlighting in a blur of International Women’s Day talks over the last month how the #QueenagerBrainDrain usually goes unsung and unnoticed even though these are the very women companies need to hang on to if they are ever to fix their #genderpaygap or get to #genderparity or #inclusion at the top.

I’ve been having some spirited discussions with some very senior women about the #disappearingwomen and linking their disappearance to why it is proving so hard to shift the dial at the top of business? Yes I know we now have 30-40 per cent of women on boards, which is a fantastic achievement. But too many of those women are NOT in pipeline roles for CEO jobs because they are not in charge of P&Ls but are on boards because they are legal counsel, or in HR or Marketing. In the FTSE 350 there are still only 21 female CEOs… in the FTSE 100 there are only eight. The top of business, politics etc is still a boy’s club (don’t believe me just look at the concentratio of powerful men who belong to the women-excluding Garrick Club, great investigation by the Guardian last week in revealing its membership). The number of women with executive roles is stuck at a stubborn 16% - this is a global phenomenon. Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In Organisation found that for every woman made a director, two women leave. That figure for executive female roles has been stuck at 16% in the UK for the last eight years… plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose. In 2024 that is not good enough. Particularly since we #queenagers entered the workforce in the same numbers as men and were told that ‘time would fix’ the discrepancies at the top. Well thirty years has not fixed the dearth of female leaders which is why I am so fascinated by WHY so many women are leaving corporates just when they should be taking their places at the top table. The statistics are stark: at one major company I was talking to last week they have female participation of nearly 30% up to the age of 50, and then the number of women in their work force plunges to 18%. And they are one of the few companies which are actually tracking the intersection of age and gender. This is particularly concerning given we are all expected to work till we are 67 and that a quarter of the population will be over 65 by 2040.

In our Noon research we have identified the reasons women are leaving – they fall into three categories.

 1) The Collision or Midlife Clusterfuck. Gosh this is real, every Noon Circle is like our research brought to life, we found that over half of women aged 45 plus have been through at least five massive life events including divorce, bereavement, redundancy, caring for elderly parents, dealing with a teen with anxiety/selfharm/anorexia, their own health issues, abuse, bankruptcy – and that often they all hit at once. Often women leave because of this and then they find it almost impossible to find another job at the same level.

 2) The Revolt: I am grateful to my brilliant colleague and Head of Consulting at Noon Lucy Ryan (do read her book Revolting Women) for this term. She and we find that there is a big pivot into purpose for #queenagers – we’ve got less time ahead than we had behind us so we want to make that count and do something worth while; and the menopause makes us want to be less ‘pleasing’ as oxytocin goes down and testosterone ramps up. This makes us less likely to bit our tongues and just get on with it and more likely to speak up or leave.

3) The Matrix, or gendered Ageism (where sexism hits ageism) – we live in a culture which glorifies youth, where men are seen to age like fine wine while women are seen as more like peaches, one wrinkle and we’re done. This inevitably impacts the assumptions around older women and their capabilities. Although, as Christine La Garde famously pointed out – if it had been Lehmann Sisters, the bank might not have crashed. Women have different attitudes to risk and having more women and diverse views at the top of business has been proved to improve decision making. We live in a society where we are living longer and longer (a woman like me born in 1970 is expected to live till nearly 90, our kids till 100) yet ageism is rife, over two thirds of us are guilty of it. I am loving the Centre for Ageing Better’s Ageism is Never in Style campaign, here is me at their exhibit just by Tottenham Court Road last week, doing my bit for changing the face of ageing (full disclosure I am on their Advisory Board).

Anyway at our IWD breakfast at EY on Thursday we discussed how to fix the problem of the Disappearing Women once and for all – and why it falls to us, as a pioneering generation of women, to work on this now. We talked about how women have changed so much on our watch; entitlement to maternity leave, the right to work flexibly and how fixing the work place for older females who have never been there in numbers like this before is the next task ahead. I am so grateful to EY for their support on this important topic – the energy in the room was electric (thanks to everyone who came) I am really optimistic about how we can change the narrative on this topic.

That feeling was only expanded when I addressed the University of Chicago’s first class of Modern Elders on Friday, these are people aged 50-65 who are looking to find their next steps. It was an electric discussion in which they confessed that in the US this #queenager conversation isn’t happening yet (maybe that’s why a quarter of subscribers to this newsletter are in America… hello and thank you!).

It's been a very exciting week.. the book is off to the type-setters. Frankly I am looking forward to an Easter break. Chocolate and chilling is very much on my agenda! I wish you all some restful downtime too!

Much love

Eleanor

Ps here is a link to a series of meditations on love by Ayala Gill which I have been LOVING this week